My First Kiss went nothing like this

I like to think that I’m an adequate kisser. I’m sure most people do. But unlike shooting a jump shot or writing a column, it’s a little more difficult to get honest feedback on kissing technique. I found at a young age that the best ways to learn anything are to imitate what people do on television, and to follow whatever your friends start doing. If everyone else is doing something differently, there’s a good chance you’re doing it wrong.
I came to such a realization recently when listening to the insufferable “My First Kiss” by bad ass Denver Rap Duo 3OH!3 and everyone’s favorite wasted mess, Ke$ha. The chorus goes… a little like this:
My first kiss went a little like this,
[smooch sound] And twist,
[smooch, smooch]And twist
I immediately went red with shame. My first kiss was nothing like that at all. Apparently, I’ve been kissing incorrectly for over a decade. What is this twist, and why was I never told about it? To my knowledge, there is no official guide for kissing instructions. The singers in this song, however, make it sound like the steps to a dance that everyone knows. Everyone but me, it would seem. I was always under the impression that once you went in for the kiss you were supposed to stay there for a while. The best I can surmise from this song is that after making the initial lip contact, each party must stop do “The Twist” a la Chubby Checker, return for two more kisses, then stop and twist again.
The song gives us no further instruction, but if we are to continue the sequence, we must assume it continues like this: one kiss, twist, two kisses, twist, three kisses, twist, and so forth. This requires quite a bit of movement, but might explain why make out sessions leave people looking so disheveled. I love doing the twist as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t think of it as an ideal make out song.
Both Kesha and the lads remind us that this was how their first kiss went, which implies that they no longer follow this method. If they were incorrect in their ways before, we can chalk it up to a rookie mistake. That still leaves a bit of a strange coincidence. While it’s very possible that 3OH!3’s Sean Foreman and Nathianal Motte shared their first kiss, it seems unlikely that these boys from Boulder, Colorado would have the same exact technique as a girl in Nashville, Tennessee. I doubt kissing styles change very much from region to region, but I suppose kissing styles do change over time.
If we’re to discount innocent childhood pecks on the lips, the first kisses among most of my peers took place between 7th and 9th grade and contained very little lip action. Ever the gentlemen, most of the guys I hung out with would approach a girl during a slow song at a school dance and simply ask, “Wanna hookup?” Hooking up consisted of locking lips, opening wide and guiding your tongue into a battle of figure eights. Ideally, this was to last until the end of the song but was invariably broken up by a tap on the shoulder from a chaperoning parent. As years went by, make outs featured more lip action and less interruption from friends’ parents, but still no twisting.
The first verse of “My First Kiss” begins innocently enough. The singer talks about teachers, books, bleachers and candy before making the outrageous request, “Excuse me miss but can I get you out your panties?” I don’t know how they do things in Colorado, but that’s a pretty bold question for an adolescent boy to be asking in his first make out. Unless, of course the gents from 3OH!3 didn’t experience their first kiss until very recently. This idea would explain why they go on to mention cars, tattoos, and bars—things that most kissing novices have little to experience with. While I can understand how 3OH!3 reached the legal drinking age before experiencing their first kiss, I refuse to believe that the same could be said of Miss Ke$ha. She seems like the kind of “fast” girl that young boys are warned about. I don’t know what is meant by the lyric “No more sailors and no more soldiers,” but I’m pretty sure it’s not Ke$ha’s mantra.
Considering the individuals involved in the song, I now care very little about their first kiss. In fact, I’m relieved that my kissing never was or is anything like theirs. I have neither 3OH!3’s undue mien of accomplishment nor Ke$ha’s appearance of a stumbling STD. And perhaps most importantly, I have no punctuation or symbols in the spelling of my name. So the next time I hear “My First Kiss” on the radio, my only twist will be to turn on a different station.